On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
