and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
