Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
