I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
