That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
