I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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