it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
