bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
