I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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