The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
