My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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