Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
