WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
