I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
