How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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