You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He passed out mid-signature
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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