i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
