I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
