I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
