So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
