remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
