i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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