Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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