Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
