well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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