Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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