if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
