I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
