Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Randomize
