The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
