I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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