Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
