I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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