There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
