Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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