He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
