I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Who died my cat blue again?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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