She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
