Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
