At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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