next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
