I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize