I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
