I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
