Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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