you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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