I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
