as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
