I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just high enough for therapy.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
