if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
