Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
