the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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